


The Origin of Everything

by navrilas_danvers



Category: Saving Hope
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2018-12-11 13:33:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11715414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/navrilas_danvers/pseuds/navrilas_danvers
Summary: Both on-screen and off-screen scenes are included.Started from Season 4 Episode 10, this is my personal interpretation of Sydney’s and Maggie’s thoughts and feelings.





	1. Guardian

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [一切之源](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11451768) by [navrilas_danvers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/navrilas_danvers/pseuds/navrilas_danvers). 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sydney couldn’t leave Maggie, not when she was in a coma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, I got the urge (and sacrificed some bedtime) to translate this one. I decided to write this in my first language so that I would write a better piece, for I intended to do my best on writing Maggie and Sydney's story.
> 
> Hope you will enjoy it.

Sydney walked towards the O.R. and stopped next to Alex who just finished scrubbing and about to operate to save their mutual friend. Probably someone more than a friend to Sydney.

“You really love her, don't you?”

Sydney blinked and turned to look at Alex, unsure of how to answer the question. Alex’s smile was subtle. Sydney couldn’t tell what Alex thought of her. Fortunately, the detective investigating the bombing cut in their conversation in the next moment.

“Dr. Reid. I need you to come with me.” Sydney looked away, still thinking about how to answer Alex’s question.

“I'm about to operate, detective.” Alex’s voice was steady. She didn't intend to delay the operation because of the detective’s request.

“It'll only take a minute.”

“All right.”

Sydney glanced at Alex’s back before staring back at the operating table again. The woman who'd constantly been on her mind was dying. At least it was Shahir who was operating on her. If he wasn’t the best in the whole country, he was the best in Toronto.

Please, Maggie, hold on. Sydney prayed.

She had lost the sense of time. There were probably some other former colleagues came and then left, but all she saw was Maggie. Shahir finally came out from the O.R., while the resident, Dr. Sekara stayed to suture. It was the longest operation she ever observed. Technically it wasn’t. But felt like one. The doctor who just finished operating had a gloomy look. Alex asked about Maggie’s condition immediately after she came back. The former answered she was stable for now, and now they wait.

Wait. How long could they wait? How long did she and Maggie have?

Sydney turned to Alex and Charlie and offered to stay with Maggie. The wounded were flooding the E.R., and they were about to take over Shelby, the patient of Maggie’s and hers. Everyone was overwhelmed and busy. It was the least she could do.

“Thank you.” Alex said behind her.

Sydney didn’t look back. What did Alex thank her for? She had to thank Alex for keeping Maggie company after she left her, in fact, everyone, without saying goodbye, but she knew she owed Maggie the most. Alex and Maggie went way back. It was the excuse she used in the past half year that at least Maggie still had Alex and Zach, and all the other colleagues in Hope Zion who loved her.

 

／

 

Sydney had stayed besides Maggie. She was in the chair by the wall in Maggie’s ICU, facing the tail of Maggie’s bed to be precise.

She kept thinking about how they got here.

The query of Alex’s outside the O.R. had been replaying in her mind. How did she answer that? The timing couldn’t be worse. The rapid beeping of the monitor brought her back. B.P.’s spiking.

She hurried to the bed and summoned Sekara, “Page Shahir, we need him now.”

Everything was happening all at once. Alex was the one who rushed in and asked for the status. After checking the imaging and being told Shahir was in the middle of another brain surgery, Alex decided to take over on her own.

Sydney leaned over from the end of the bed, “Maggie, we’re all here. We’re all right beside you.” She looked at Maggie who was covered in tubes.

She was clear that Maggie was in a coma therefore wouldn’t possibly hear her, but she had to say it out loud.

I’m here, Maggie, I’m right here beside you.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s a short beginning. It will get longer in upcoming chapters.
> 
> It was the first work I published here, and I hadn’t been writing fictions for a while. Comments are appreciated. Thank you for reading this far.


	2. Explanation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sydney wouldn’t hold onto her pride and complex when Maggie was dying. What about after Maggie was out of the woods?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on, I will pick a song from the ones I listened to while writing as the soundtrack.  
> Best served with: Human - Rag'n'Bone Man - Madilyn Bailey  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBOV2SzQKEY

Alex’s face was the first one Maggie saw after waking up. She was smiling. She always wore that subtle smile.

“Am I okay?”

Alex took a deep breath. “Lift your arms, palms up.”

Here goes the familiar procedure. Maggie thought. But Alex added what ordinary patients wouldn’t hear. “…like you're holding a double goat cheese and anchovy pizza.”

Maggie found the corners of her lips inevitably tugging upwards. She moisturised her lips and did as she was told. “I thought you'd never mention that night again.” She laughed and made Alex joined her.

“Count back from 10.” There was still the laughter in Alex’s voice.

Maggie was considering being a cooperative patient. “10, 9, 8…” or not. “I think I got this one.”

“It's good to have you back, Mags.”

Everything was still vague. It was like peering through an overly enhanced filter placed between her conscious and senses. There were footsteps out of the ICU, and then she saw them. Alex backed to the door to make some space. “Hey.” It was Zach and Jackson. They said some welcoming words, and then Maggie looked over them and found Charlie. What it was in Charlie’s stare, Maggie wasn't sure. She gave him a smile. Before Maggie could tell, the sense of familiarity, something she couldn't quit articulate, fainted.

They stayed for a while. Alex was the last to leave. She turned to look at her dear friend before she headed out. “You’ll be fine, Maggie.”

All the others had walked far. Maggie gathered some bravery in her and halted Alex. Maggie couldn't keep having her on her mind. At least not when she had the chance to do something about it.

“Sydney— “ but the rest were stuck. She could even feel her throat swelling.

Frankly, Maggie’s heart sank a bit after seeing Alex.

Did Sydney flee again?

Alex’s eyes reflected her desperateness. Alex pursed her lips though her eyes softened again soon. Too many expressions flashed through Alex’s face. Maggie almost couldn't follow. She fixated on Alex, waiting for her respond. Maggie still couldn't finished the latter part of the question.

“Do you still like her that much?”

Maggie’s fixation stroked to the end of the bed, gazing at — there was nothing. “Like…” It was rather an echo than a respond. She felt Alex’s sight, so she looked back at Alex again and gave her the respond she was expecting.

“So Sydney left?” She didn't intend to answer the question under her current situation.

Alex’s lips formed a thin line. “Not yet. She wouldn’t leave her patient behind.”

But she would leave me behind.

Maggie shut her eyes. Enough. Stop. Maggie had to stop these torturing thoughts.

“What are you thinking?” Alex frowned.

“Nothing.” She opened her eyes again, regarding her best friend.

To Maggie’s relief, Alex didn’t inquire further. “She’s with Shelby. I’ll join her later.”

“That’s my patient.”

Alex rubbed Maggie’s left shoulder, “Sleep some more. I’m going to tell her you’re no longer in a coma.” There was no reaction from Maggie, or more like she didn’t how to react.

“Listen, Alex.” Maggie halted Alex once again. She knew Alex wouldn’t push her or anything, but she just felt that she had to let it out. Besides, she didn’t know who else to talk to especially when it came to a certain redhead.

“I can’t —“ she licked her lips before she continued,” I can’t get my hope —“

“I know.” Alex bent to hug Maggie and kissed her forehead where wasn't covered with gauze.

So Alex knew.

“What?” Maggie raised an eyebrow and held back a grin. Her eyelids became heavy. She knew she would be asleep soon.

“Good to see you smile.”

“She’s worried about you.” Alex gave her that. “Except when her patients need her, she never stray away from your bed.” Alex’s smile was like the one she saw when she first opened her eyes.

“Thank you.”

 

／

 

Sydney watched Shelby and Adam looking at the newborn Rosie, thinking she would never get tired of this kind of scene. Who knew? She once said she didn’t care much once they were born. But she knew that wasn't true. Deep down, she liked children. To put in other words, the reason that she couldn’t look away was that they were a family, a tightly bonded family, a family that would never be torn apart no matter what.

Alex stood next to her and watched together. Sydney crossed her right arm over her waist to bear the left elbow. Her crooked fingers brushed through the edge of her lips. Alex spoke at the same time, “We'll give you a moment.” Alex turned to Sydney and prepared to leave. Sydney glanced at Alex then put down her arms only to cross them by her waist.

“Can I hold Rosie, please?”

Alex turned back on that.

“After today, all I want to do is hold my baby.”

“Soon,” Sydney said and nodded, “I swear. But, um, what you can do is touch her.” Sydney walked toward the infant incubator to open the small door on the side. She let Shelby put her hand through. Rosie’s arms were not much thicker than Shelby’s fingers combined. Shelby watched the baby breathe, stroking her tiny limbs and smiling.

Sydney exited the ward and moved toward the corridor. Alex followed her after glancing at the happy family once again.

“How was maggie?” Sydney stopped. She turned to face Alex,” Is she awake?” Sydney couldn’t hide her anxiety. She clasped her hands tight preconsciously, intertwining all her fingers, and she didn’t even bother to stop her emotion regulation.

Alex stopped a bit, as if weighing what to say to Sydney. Then she smiled, ”She’s awake. I ran some cognitive test. Everything’s normal. The memories are not damaged.” 

Sydney sighed in relief, “Should I go see her in the ICU now?” Alex shook her head, gazing at Sydney, “She’s asleep. Although we can’t be sure now if she will still be the brilliant doctor we knew of, everything is fine except headaches which will improve with some bed rest. Our Maggie is back.” Alex covered half of her face suddenly. Sydney noticed some tears leaking through the corners of her eyes. “Sorry. Rough day.”

“It’s all right. I need a cup of coffee anyway.”

“I already ran out of the quota Shahir allowed me to have.” Alex wiped away the tears and pursed her lips.

Sydney raised both her eyebrows, “When did Hope Zion have this rule?”

“The only person who’s following the doctor’s order is me. Maybe not that strictly.” Alex laughed dryly, “Apparently, you had left too long.”

Sydney tried to ignore the passive complaint. She knew it was for Maggie, and she knew she deserved it too.

“Coffee’s on me. I don’t work here. The ration doesn’t effect me.” Sydney turned back and winked at Alex. Now Alex was the one who was surprised.

The two of them strolled to the elevator. Sydney plucked the hands into the empty pockets of her lab coat, fishing around for nothing. She and Alex were never friends, in fact, she didn’t know if she had any friend besides Maggie at Hope Zion. They never shared any small talk before. Maggie was all they shared in common which they almost lost, and therefore had the chance to talk.

The only meaning of Hope Zion to Sydney was Maggie. The only reason she came here was that it was a better hospital than the one she worked at and had a job offer — and this was a teaching hospital. She too found it herself somewhat against the character of hers that she loved to teach. Although she knew if she said it to Maggie, she wouldn’t be surprised. She never knew this place would mean so much more to her than a mere working space.

However, thinking back, she screwed up all her scarce relationships.

“Hey.” Alex’s voice called her back to the coffee table, “Are you okay?”

Sydney focused on Maggie’s close friend. She entered the elevator, ordered two cups of black coffee for Alex and herself, and seated herself all under the auto-pilot mode.

“Forgive me. Things happened too quickly today.” Sydney held the warm cup. She stared at the joint tips of her thumbs. She suddenly was very curious about her fingertips.

“I spoke with Maggie.”

Sydney looked up, observing Alex’s not aloof but serious face.

Alex was not someone you wanted to cross. Sydney made a mental note. She knew she had left a less than ideal impression on Alex.

At this point, her privacy was no longer an issue for her — she didn’t care anymore — after today, it was an open secret already. She kept talking to Maggie when she was unconscious and never letting go of her hands. She couldn’t help herself. She couldn’t fix on her own issues when Maggie was so vulnerable like this. To a patient who needed her, what place was it for a doctor to say no?

She wouldn’t hold onto her pride and complexity when Maggie was dying.

What about now that Maggie was much better?

Sydney waited for Alex to keep going.

“She didn’t say much. She didn’t even admit what she felt for you. Only implied. That was the most she could open up to me. I know Maggie. She’s the one with the biggest heart I have ever known. She never mention her feelings for you to me, but I can feel it.” Alex exhaled. Sydney couldn’t help but look away. She hated guilt.

“I know. I know she’s protecting me. To that, I…” Sydney tried to find the right word for it, “I thank her. I owe her a lot.” She smiled bitterly. She found that Maggie often made her speechless.

All or nothing thinking. Good job, Sydney.

What CBT treatment plans those psychiatrists would have regarding this kind of cognitive distortions of hers?

Alex studied her expressions. “When will you be leaving?”

Sydney swallowed. So that was how bad her reputation was. Well, of course, she didn’t work here. She was going to leave sooner or later.

“After she’s stable enough to work. I think.”

“It seems like you’re the kind of lovers who are able to stick together in bad times but not good times.” It was Alex’s turn to smile bitterly. Sydney’s heart was shattered even though she thought she shattered it herself long ago.

She was not ready. She couldn’t give up her life for Maggie even if she knew there might had been some hope for Maggie and her to have a life together which they both would want. But even if there was any hope, it was destroyed in her own hands months ago. Hope Zion, the pun slammed an irony on her face.

Alex knew she pushed too hard. She never meant to be harsh. “Sorry, it was too much.”

“No, no,” Sydney bursted out. She gestured Alex, waving with a palm down, “You are right.” Her gaze were low, glowing with her consideration of when and how to tell Maggie what had been going on with her life, and more importantly her… feelings for Maggie.

“I was just protecting her,” Alex explained. Her subtle smile, this time slightly apologetic, appeared again.

“Me too.” Sydney caught Alex’s gaze without a flinch this time, “But I’ll tell her. I’ll let her know.” She repeated what she meant to say in different ways, emphasising to Alex and to herself.

An explanation.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to use the scenes that most writers wouldn’t use, and I included lots of lines. Portraying character’s thoughts and mindsets always fascinates me. I found Alex’s “screen time” more than I expected, but I would like to use her perspective to show Maggie and Sydney’s thoughts and feelings. It feels more complete to me by showing their behaviours and dialogues than telling.  
> I took the liberty to make Syd drink coffee. I read that some other writers write that she doesn’t. But I learned that coffee can be kosher, sooo I think it wouldn't be a problem…?  
> Also, translating this stuff is way more difficult than I expected lol


	3. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie now had the reason not to let Sydney leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Best served with: Satellite - Alt. Version - Meadowlark  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcDmnxoGdKU

Please don’t hold me if you can’t be there for me in the end.

 

／

 

Maggie stared at the glass door in a daze. The steady beeping was hypnotising. She had been dozing off and waking up for hours and lost the sense of time completely. She had no idea what time it was.

She was about to embrace her dream again, and a vague shape passed through the corridor with easily recognised footsteps. She could felt the constant yet hesitant gaze without looking up.

Sydney Katz.

After Shelby told Maggie who her attending physician was, Maggie knew Sydney would show up sooner or later. They would work together to help Shelby pull through, and then afterwards — there would be no afterwards. When it came to Sydney, it was hard to predict any “afterwards”. She was always full of surprises.

Re-encounter. It was a concept Maggie couldn’t delay even if she wanted to. She had imagined countless situations and none of them included her current status: lying in the I.C.U., attached to the monitor, weak.

The footsteps stopped at the door frame. Maggie finally raised her sight. Eyes locked.

Sydney didn’t smile. That was the first feature Maggie noted.

 “Doctor Katz,” Maggie couldn’t help but grin at the redheaded doctor. The facial expression of the latter had softened eventually, ”As I live and breathe.” 

Sydney had her handbag in both her hands. She was not in her lab coat. She was in an olive button-up shirt instead, with the top two unbuttoned. The sleeves were rolled up to her forearms, but her solicitous feature didn't match her supposedly empowering outfit.

 “Well, I'm glad you're doing both,” Sydney’s eyes were flashing. It seemed that her tongue was tied. She reared her arm only to let it free fall soon after and flap on her lap. “Can I come in?” There was a slight tremble in her voice.

 “Well, if you're here to kiss me, Alex beat you to it,” Maggie tried to loosen up Sydney’s stiffness although she didn’t know if the joke would work.

Sydney raised her eyebrows and blinked multiple times. She was clearly in need of time to adjust to Maggie’s sense of humour. “Do tell,” she chuckled and walked to Maggie’s bedside. Seeing her leaning on the bed with her shoulder askew, if it wasn’t for the difficulty of sitting up, Maggie would pull her into an embrace immediately.

Not until Sydney was within the length of her arm did she realize how much she missed her teacher.

She was terribly close, close enough to let Maggie see herself in Sydney’s eyes.

Maggie observed Sydney carefully, drinking in the latter’s aura. Her irises seemed grey-green now in the dim light, while they usually looked brown. Sydney’s eyeshadow and eyebrows had the same shade of auburn. Actually, her hair bore the same warmth. Maggie noticed Sydney’s dilated pupils.

She sensed an urge though she couldn’t identify it yet.

Sydney’s eyes were glowing, and they dimmed all of a sudden. “We were all really worried about you,” Sydney took a glance at Maggie’s fingertips and looked up at Maggie’s eyes again. She nodded.

It had been only a couple of minutes; it was as if Maggie was reviewing the existence of Sydney. The colour of her irises, the texture of her hair, that habit of nodding while speaking, and her smile, a smile up into her cheek infected by Maggie. But the reality wasn’t quite pleasant. “I thought…” she held up a hand as if trying to grasp something. She dared not look into Maggie’s eyes.

Oh, don’t you dare say it.

 “It's okay. I'm fine,” Maggie interrupted her in a hurry. Sydney swallowed before gazing at Maggie with her eyes wide-open.

Maggie was secretly alarmed. It was a bit red around Sydney’s eyes. It was definitely not the eyeshadow. It seemed that Sydney was about to… cry?

Sydney stood there with her head tilt, emphasising her sharp jawline. “You’re in the I.C.U., Maggie. How could you possibly make this glass half-full?” she rebutted, scrunching her eyebrows. If it wasn’t the deeper voice of hers comparing to the normal pitch, Maggie thought her teacher was back to discipline her. Of course, she knew Sydney was worried for her. Alex told her.

 “Well, you're here.”

Sydney’s expression was somehow even more tender.

 “I am,” Sydney nodded. Her gaze drifted away again, and her grin was shallow.

 “So good to see you,” Maggie cast away all the doubts she had in Sydney. So much about not getting her hope high.

Sydney simply nodded. No respond. Her smile wasn’t as full-hearted as the one she wore when Maggie was joking.

Maggie tried to think of anything to say, “My patient... Shelby Hart?” she asked about the patient who had been on her mind.

 “Yeah, she's good. She's out of the woods. Baby, too.”

 “That's great.”

 “Yeah. I'll keep you posted.”

Maggie pondered, “I think I’ll focus on myself for a while.”

Sydney nodded approvingly, “That sounds like a plan.” She held Maggie’s ice-cold hand and her eyebrow scrunched up right away. She looked up at the ceiling, looking for the air conditioning vent.

 “Ugh. I keep telling them to lower the A.C. in here. I'll get you another blanket.” She was already half-turned away before she finished the sentence.

Maggie was determined not to let go so that Sydney’s movement was stopped by their linked arms.

 “Stay.”

Sydney startled. Her temporary escaping plan was aborted. She turned back to face Maggie and lowered her sight cautiously and probingly, appraising the meaning of Maggie’s gesture. Her mind was made. The gaze she fixed on Maggie was a sincere one. She leaned on the bed again, never breaking their eye contact.

Maggie spent a long time thinking about how much of her mind to focus on Sydney. Even though Alex confirmed Sydney stayed, her mind was still swaying. None of that mattered, however, now that she saw a breathing Sydney in front of her. Perhaps it was the life-and-death situation that made her see what truly mattered. As what she just said to Sydney, she would focus on herself for a while. Working like a maniac couldn’t help her forget Sydney after all, could it?

She gazed deep into the bottom of Sydney’s grey-green eyes. She still couldn't see through Sydney’s mysterious heart, but she could see what was right in front of her. Sydney was right here. The possibility of losing her made Sydney unable to leave. The serious talk could wait, but a moment like this should never be wasted. As soon as she knew it was only a matter of time before she reunited with Sydney, she made a promise to herself. This time, it would be the end of all the entanglement they had. Maybe she would find Sydney completely different. If she had become someone she didn’t know, then she would have the chance to let go of this redheaded woman forever without defiance. Now that she saw her, she knew this move was no use. Sydney changed. It also made her sink even deeper.

All the question and the pain of abandonment buried in her heart in the past year were unearthed and eased all at once. She held tighter on Sydney’s hand. It was hard to tell if the beeping sound of the monitor had sped up, or if it was her delusion. Maggie wouldn’t let Sydney go again. Whatever happens, she would hold her tight in her arms.

 

／

 

What was Maggie thinking?

Sydney couldn’t help but ask herself what she was thinking.

Maggie quirked an eyebrow, being fully aware of her weakness.

Hmph, challenge accepted.

Sydney stayed obediently. They gazed at each other just like that for a while. No one wished to break the silence.

Perhaps there was no need.

Sydney exhaled in relief seeing Maggie awake upon her arrival. As long as Maggie was safe and sound, everything would work itself out.

 “Come here.”

Sydney arched her eyebrows in question, not knowing how she was supposed to react. She was still digesting the fact that Maggie was finally stable, decided to focus on herself, and seemed to be much better as soon as seeing her enter the I.C.U.

When should she reveal what had been going on in her life to Maggie? Anyway, it wasn’t the right time now. There was no need to ruin their moment.

Maggie found Sydney frozen, and, therefore, patted the bed, lifted the blanket, and struggled to shift herself to make a space. Sydney attended to Maggie’s movement straightaway. “Don’t move!” She hovered over, consequently almost making their noses touch. They both were frightened, which was reflected by the monitor. Sydney backed away and straightened up.

 “Lie still or I’ll do it for you,” Sydney sighed.

 “Sydney, don’t make me ask again."

Sydney accepted the challenge once again. She laid down her handbag and removed her phone from the pocket to place it on the bedside table. It seemed that there was no need for going home.

She flattened the electric bed and hauled herself up. She sank into the brink of the bed slowly with her back turned on Maggie and left her boots by the table neatly. She closed her eyes.

How could she make it through the night?

Not only did she abort the escaping plan, but also have to sleep with the patient as requested.

Pull yourself together, Sydney. The task was simply lying next to her. It was not like you had never done it before. She merely needed some… support and company, and I happened to be the one who was able to provide it.

Sydney glanced over her shoulder only to find Maggie smiling at herself with complacency. "Do you honestly know what you are doing, Maggie?” asked Sydney. She turned her face to Maggie while lying down beside her. Maggie struggled to lift her head, but Sydney stopped her with a hush, keeping her from making another move. Sydney put her right arm tucked between them under the back of Maggie’s head to support her.

 “Then do you know what you are doing?” Maggie gave Sydney a naughty smiley face. How reckless.

 “I never did,” she said with a bitter smile. She tugged the blanket to cover herself, letting the warmth of Maggie’s body envelop her completely.

They stayed silent again. Sydney was breathing in Maggie’s scent, knowing that they both were thinking about the night they spent in the on-call room. Their positions were fatally identical as the ones they were in that day. Sydney decided to make herself more comfortable. She placed her left arm across Maggie’s abdomen, making Maggie slightly flinch at the sudden intimacy. Maggie tried to hold it, but Sydney still heard her inhale sharply. With her forehead sinking into the crook of Maggie's neck, and her cheek putting against Maggie's collarbone, Sydney smiled without holding back.

She tried to ignore her tendency to develop a habit. She always slept on the left side of the bed. If they were to lie face-to-face in an embrace, she would lend the other her right arm as a pillow. Perhaps she would hook it on the other’s right shoulder, and her left hand would drape on the other’s waist or the side of the chest. She would daze off and count the other’s ribs — she stopped herself. She reminded herself the existence of Abbey. Although they were not in a relationship —  not yet — she still made a promise to Abbey. A promise she intended to keep.

 “What happened between us, Sydney?”

Despite the lack of reasoning, the humming from Maggie’s chest when speaking comforted her. She tilted her face up, staring straight into Maggie’s warm brown eyes, and gave Maggie a melancholy smile. “Our own lives.”

Maggie’s face reciprocated her own expression. Maggie withdrew her right hand from the blanket and hold Sydney’s face. Maggie’s hooded eyelids blinked slowly. She slipped the index finger behind her ear with the thumb caressing her cheek. She was looking right at Sydney’s lips. The alarm went off in Sydney’s mind. Since when did they switch their roles? Hadn’t it always been Maggie waiting to be kissed? Sydney had always been the person who made the move, hadn’t she?

What was Sydney doing here? In spite of Alex’s previous informing, she still couldn’t believe her existence had such a huge influence on the woman in her arms. All this time, she couldn’t be sure if Maggie had desired her the way she had always wanted Maggie. Mustn’t read too much into it. No, it wasn’t that.

The corner of Maggie’s lips twitched as if she could read Sydney’s mind. Maggie drifted her sight back to hers and placed a kiss at the corner of her forehead ever so lightly.

“Goodnight, Syd.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I desperately need some light-hearted chapters…


	4. Almost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missing each other is the usual. No one can escape it when the time comes.  
> Season 4 episode 12.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Best served with: Even If It's A Lie - Matt Maltese - dodie  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8H9DoXvJxs

“You’re too skinny.”

Maggie looked up upon the familiar voice and saw a redheaded doctor lean against the door frame leisurely. Her boots made her slightly more slender and perhaps an inch or two taller. Not that she was too short — Maggie had always been fond of her petite body which is the type she never thought she would like — she just seemed taller.

Maggie hung the lab coat back in the wardrobe, and she turned around to face Sydney who appeared to be a bit disheartened. Though Maggie couldn’t be sure of the reason yet. She wasn’t sure of with what kind of attitude Sydney planned to interact with her either.

How long had she been standing there?

“Are you Jewish mothering me, or ex-girlfriending me right now?” Maggie challenged with her chin raised and arms crossed.

“I didn’t know we were exes,” Sydney smiled, surprisingly.

If this was how she wanted to do it — Maggie hit back, “Not really just friends, either.”

Sydney swept her eyesight to the ceiling deliberately, “Fair enough.”

Maggie eased into a smile since Sydney didn’t dodge her joke. Sydney straightened up herself and walked towards Maggie. “You’re back so soon after the accident. You sure you’re okay to work?”

Maggie dropped her gaze, “I’d rather be here with a headache than surfing daytime television.” Her eyes stealthily and swiftly panned up from Sydney’s boots to her suddenly closer face.

“All right,” It was almost as if Sydney was checking a to-do list. Right after she checked up on Maggie’s health condition, she spoke in a professional tone, “Come meet my patient. I want to place her with someone I trust before I go to Israel.”

Was she going to Israel? The alarm rang a few times in Maggie’s mind.

Maggie replied with a poker face, “You trust me that much?”

“Well, I could refer her to doctor Gill at the general if you prefer.”

“No,” Maggie blinked slowly and gave Sydney a reassuring smile and said in a firm tone, “Leave her with me.” 

Sydney look into her eyes steadily and nodded.

“So, Tel Aviv. Big move.”

“It is.” Sydney’s tone was light.

“Sure it’s the right one?”

Sydney looked away and shrugged. It was that carefree look again. “There’s a saying… if you don’t know what you’re living for, you haven’t lived yet.” She shook her head on the latter part. Classic Katz.

“So much has changed for me,” Sydney continued. Maggie laid low her gaze and nodded. “You know that. You were there.” Sydney raised her hand, gesturing at Maggie. Her voice grew soft.

“Still here.” Maggie replied soon. Too soon probably. She gulped.

Sydney halted for a moment, and then raised her chin a bit and frowned as if she remembered something, “Eat something. Then meet me on the ward.” She turned and left as she spoke.

Maggie simpered as she watched Sydney leave. She was indeed an over-worried Jewish mother — or an over-cared ex-girlfriend. As long as they could make jokes on each other, everything was fine. She was concerned that it would get awkward between them when seeing each other after Christmas. Even though it seemed that Sydney didn’t plan to mention the progress they had — that is if anything happened on the day Sydney came back could be named as progress.

But the speed of their somewhat bickering surprised Maggie. She wanted to hold on to Sydney, however, she didn’t know if Sydney would slip away through her fingers. She picked up the frail hesitation in Sydney’s facial expression and her light but deliberate tone. She recalled that Sydney had an alike figure when she visited her in the I.C.U.

What happened merely a few days ago had gone far as an illusion.

Maggie sighed and smoothed her T-shirt, then left to find something to eat as being told.

 

／

 

Sydney tried hard to block the scenes kept intruding her consciousness as Maggie and she walked side by side down the corridor. The ceiling of the I.C.U. and the warmth of Maggie’s body. She missed this all so much. They were close enough so that their lab coats brushed against one another, and the air between them passed on each other’s smell. She needed to stop.

Then a colleague greeted Maggie.

“Mm, they've missed you. I have, too,” Sydney blurted out and stepped on her own foot mentally. “So, apart form getting blown up, what else has been going on?”

“Lots,” Maggie said slowly, searching for what to say, “I, uh, almost got a new job. I almost moved to Cleveland.”

Cleveland. Of course Sydney remembered that phone call. When they asked her if she would like to take the job, she recommended Maggie whom she trained herself. It seemed they had contacted Maggie. She didn’t track the following development even though she still kept Maggie’s phone number. In fact, she had kept a lot of things, for example, their texts. Although under a different “contact”. The former “Maggie” had now become an unknown number. She didn’t intend to add Maggie back to her address book to torture herself.

“Oh. That’s a long list of almosts.” Sydney didn’t plan to mention the phone call. Neither did she plan to find out if Maggie mentioned the opportunity just to have some kind of connection with herself.

“What about you? Has your life been a flurry of hot dates and deliveries?” Sydney glimpsed at Maggie from the corner of her eye. Maggie crinkled the side of her nose as she said “hot dates” playfully.

Sydney chuckled and glanced at Maggie. Of course she would try to probe.

“No, not exactly. My father still won’t speak to me, but my mom started sending e-mail, so that’s progress.”

“I’m glad,” Maggie’s expression shifted, “Have you talked to Herschel?”

Sydney frowned upon the name, “No.” She turned back to look at Maggie. Maggie slightly nodded. “That’s a burned bridge.” Maggie slowed down to stay behind her. Sydney came to the door of the ward. She was eager to change the topic. “We’re safer talking about Nicola.” She looked through the glass then turned around to face Maggie.

“You ever had one of those patients who, you know, they just... get to you?”

“Mm-hmm.” Maggie opened the file, but as she looked up and gave Sydney a knowing, sincere smiley face, Sydney knew Maggie wasn’t buying it.

“Nicola’s one of those,” Sydney could see Maggie’s sincerity because she knew Maggie knew her well. Maggie could clearly notice her rusty skill on changing topic. Still, Maggie let her do it and responded with kindness.

“She’s had three miscarriages before this pregnancy, “ Maggie dropped her eyes. Sydney almost thought Maggie couldn’t bear to look at her. “If she means that much to you, why don’t you postpone your move?” Sydney was wrong. Maggie looked up slowly until she looked straight at Sydney.

Sydney gazed into Maggie’s eyes. It was a fastball. A fastball there was no way she could dodge.

Sydney stepped on her own foot mentally again. Why were you pushing me, Maggie? I had been trying not to hurt you.

She opened up with her eyes to the ground, “Because I’m moving to Israel to be with my girlfriend, and she’s expecting me next week.” Sydney pushed the door open before Maggie couldn’t hide her disappointment and bitterness. She couldn’t face Maggie. She never knew what to do.

The following appointment was painful. It wasn’t Nicola, but she and Maggie had to reach an agreement, to cover up a bomb with a fuse burned out a mere second ago and swallow the impact, and show caring and confidence in their patient as if nothing happened.

Frankly, the following day was an inferno. She and Maggie still had that damn sync. They came up with a treatment plan in urgent, and that was when she felt the thrill of saving people again. She remembered when they finished scrubbing, they counted counterclockwise, “12, 9, 6, 3.” She remembered when they were about to enter the O.R., satisfied, Maggie said: “I forgot how much I love doing this.”

Sydney took off her lab coat to put it back into Maggie’s closet. The scrub cap was tugged in the pocket earlier. She moved herself to her bed and flopped herself on the bedside. While Maggie was in the I.C.U., Sydney took over her shift voluntarily; while she was not on call, she stayed at Maggie’s I.C.U. She also borrowed Maggie’s on-call room during that period of time, since she didn’t have her own office after she left. She could have picked a random unassigned one, but she let her preconscious picked this one foe her. She clearly knew why. Of course, she inevitably met Alex sometimes. The latter said not much except simple greetings upon seeing her. They both knew the talk they shared over coffee that day was sufficient.

Sydney buried her face in her hands. She knew she screwed up. She thought she couldn’t give up her life for Maggie — perhaps she still couldn’t — but God knew how much she wanted to give it all up. She couldn’t let people by her side down. She couldn’t break a promise. She thought back to the conversation with Alex. She made Alex and Maggie a promise then as well.

Maggie bursted out she forgot how much she loved to brainstorm with Sydney. Sydney forgot how much she loved to have consults with trauma team, how much she loved to work with Maggie, how much she loved to argue with Maggie which is the most suitable treatment plan, how much she loved to finish each other’s sentences with Maggie, how much she loved to watch Maggie grow up in her own hands, and how much she loved to watch Maggie hold a wailing new born in her arms and imagine it was their child. She rarely let her imagination troll that far.

It was a bridge burned down by herself.

When Maggie told her she had Nicola’s baby printed out with the 3D printer in the lab, she remembered the reason she fell for Maggie clearly.

She had been proud of being someone who didn’t do anything she’d regret.

Sydney checked her watch. It was time for them to meet on the ward, and she had to say a proper goodbye Nicola. Sydney sighed. Everything required practice after all.

 

／

 

Shirt suited Sydney very well.

They didn’t talk the whole time, and it was the only thought whirling above Maggie’s mind. Maggie accompanied Sydney from the ward to her on-call room to fetch her blazer and handbag. She knew there were other places could serve as Sydney’s locker, but she let Sydney use her space anyway. Wasn’t it good to see each other with extra opportunities?

Maggie didn’t know where all this lost came from. Sydney never promised anything, did she? Was she too hard on Sydney? Last time they made love, Sydney had a fiancé, and now Sydney had a girlfriend. It was obvious that Sydney didn’t intend to cheat on her girlfriend. She knew deep down Sydney had given everything she could give. Alex’s words proved Sydney cared although Maggie might never know what position she held in Sydney’s heart. 

Say something. Sydney was leaving. They kept the atmosphere at small talk, and therefore the serious talk couldn’t have its way in.

Before she could come up with anything to say, Sydney spoke first surprisingly, “You know, you didn’t have to walk me out.

“And have you guilt-trip me for the rest of my life?” Maggie couldn’t hold back the grin, “No, thanks.”

“You’re a great doctor, Maggie,” said Sydney in a proud tone.

“I had a great teacher,” Maggie looked over to the woman who was two-year younger than her, but always seemed to be the elder one of them.

Sydney had an absurd expression, “Have. I’m not dead.”

Unlike Sydney, Maggie couldn’t keep the calmness. If it was back in the day, she would have laughed like Sydney did, but her sense of humor was a runaway kid at the moment.

“Tel Aviv. It’s a long way,” Maggie knew she had run out of small talk material. Still, she needed to say something. She stopped. 

Sydney found her standing still and therefore turned around to face her. “Yeah,” Sydney replicated her tone and chuckled anxiously.

Maggie granted herself one second to pull herself together, “Your girlfriend’s a lucky woman.”

“Thank you,” Sydney’s face dimmed hearing her subtext.

Maggie nodded with a sense of contemplativeness. If saying goodbye is inevitable, then it better be more delightful. It would be the impression that lasts a lifetime. Now she was positive that she would never see Sydney again. She had to prepare herself for that.

If this was the basic assumption, then she best hold the last few minutes they still had.

She could see there was a lump in Sydney’s throat, but there was no place to start just like she did. They both put up a tell-tale smile, trying to bottle it up and obviously failing.

Sydney pouted, “Goodbyes really aren’t my thing, so…”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” Maggie smiled and narrowed her eyes. Now this was her classic Katz. This uneasy woman in front of her would only show the uneasiness inside to her. She thought she still had that privilege to make this constantly impeccable human being allow herself to appear lost and confuse in her face. 

Wasn’t this what a partner should be to anyone? Someone who could shatter the walls you built around and indulge you.

Maggie gave Sydney the time she needed. Don’t screw it up, Syd.

Sydney first dodge her stare, then caught her eyes bravely.

“You’re the only almost I ever think about,” Sydney nodded. Maggie was looking for any hint of avoiding, but all she found was honesty.

“And I do think about you, Maggie.” The latter part of Sydney’s words was the only permission Maggie needed.

The whole day, Maggie had been waiting for Sydney to kiss her. They had missed too many chances. With that in mind, Maggie reached out with her right hand to cup Sydney’s cheek through her soft red hair, ignoring thirsty eyes and stoic limbs, and placed a featherlight kiss on Sydney’s lips.

“I owed you one.”

Maggie did her best to give a sincere smile, while Sydney seemed like she was on the brink of losing it. She had the chance to back off, but she didn’t. Maybe that was good enough for Maggie.

She watched Sydney leave. Both of their smiles crumbled. Sydney raised a hand to the height of her face as she reached the glass door. Was she wiping tears away? Sydney pressed the door handle with her whole body, and turned her head to glimpse at Maggie one last time. There was a moment she thought Sydney was going to stay.

At least Maggie could say she tried.

Maggie faced toward the glass door which Sydney just pushed open and remained still in the hall for quite some time.

The days Sydney kept her sane through the aftermath of her miscarriage suddenly came into her mind. She said: laugh or cry, pick one.


End file.
